I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
