my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
