Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
two words: eviction party
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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