I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
