hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
