This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
