"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
