I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
