I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
