I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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