Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
