I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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