There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
