My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
