I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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