I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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