it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
