38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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