Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
