rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
