wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
