just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
