You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if only i could text you this smell
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
