it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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