you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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