1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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