It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A+ Viking dick
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
