So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
