She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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