you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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