Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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