i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
