Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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