I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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