Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
