You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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