I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
