he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
