My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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