She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
