when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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