Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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