Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
