this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
