Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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