does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
