Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
