Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
