Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
