Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
