i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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