Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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