It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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