sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
