peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
