Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
