12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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