I can text with my tongue
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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