Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
