I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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